【Hizoban Higasa no onna】

If President Trump were to ever appear on Hizoban Higasa no onnaHGTV's House Hunters,he'd be the guy obsessed with getting the double sink in his personal bathroom and a huge backyard for his grill which, guaranteed, he does not know how to use.

So it's only natural that the President would call the White House (retail value: approximately $1 gazillion space dollars) a "dump" in a conversation with friends at his Bedminster Golf Club. What's the White House next to one of Trump's 1 karat gold palaces, with spaces uniquely designed for extramarital threesomes and cutting overpriced blow?

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Let's allow Yelp to tell the story.

SEE ALSO: Here's what healthcare would look like if we took President Trump literally

Here's how Trump's properties stack up next to that dump of a White House, according to the good people at Yelp, Trip Advisor and Google.

Visitors love Trump properties because of how beautifully they blend in with their local environments

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It's the attention to detail that makes a Trump property so uniquely Trump

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Nothing says class like "peanut -illed turds" and bed pubes

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The world's most powerful and distinguished elites call Trump properties home

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Simply walking through a Trump property is a therapeutic experience in it of itself

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Farm-to table-to-Trump

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Why have the White House when you can have this?

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