【1982 Archives】

In an earlier time982 Archives first dates were delightfully simple affairs: you'd tell a few stories, drink a few drinks and stare at the other person's face until you could assess whether they were hot enough to marry.

That time is dead. And it's been replaced by something even more menacing: the "quirky date," which typically happens on the first date or at least in the first trimester of a relationships. Subjects who plan "quirky dates" often do so because they are desperate to convince potential partners that that they are fun! unique! and not your typical lawyer!

Few of us want to go on quirky dates, no matter how much we profess otherwise. It's a crappy trend that needs to die, even though it shows no signs of going anywhere.

If you haven't gone on a quirky date, god bless your suburban soul.

Dates like this usually take one of a few forms: a "culinary journey" usually to a location miles away from your house that includes semi-poisonous food you pretend you love because it's "local!"

Alternatively, you may be asked to do something nauseatingly impish and nostalgic, like go to an "awesome old school roller rink" someone bought a Groupon for in 1997. Maybe you'll be asked to do something "totally insane!" like indoor rock climbing, which is not in fact insane unless you mean insanely, horrifically boring.

And that's if you're lucky. Every year, far too many singles are forced to endure urban kayaking, cheese tasting, bacon competitions, introductory ceramics classes, sober walks through the forest, adult day camps, salsa and/or ballroom dancing lessons, and homemade meals made by creeps.

To be fair, most of the quirky dating scene appears to be concentrated in urban areas among millennials, where the pressure to have a non-shitty personality is particularly intense. In New York, for example, simply being a nice, good person doesn't cut it. To be considered marriage material, you must:

• Not want to get married

• Have done something stupid/viral on YouTube

• Have at least two wildly specific hobbies

• Want to get into standup comedy, when "you have more time"

None of this is necessary or pleasurable. Quirky dates often force participants to do activities they never did before before they unconsciously hated them. They needlessly require people to spend more money or expend more energy in an exhausting effort to be the most lovable adult child in the room.

There's no scientific evidence that quirky dates produce successful relationships. There is plenty of evidence, by contrast, that I hate them. And you should too.

Why can't we go back to the older, more traditional days of first dating? What was the problem with getting a beer and asking someone about their stupid job? There shouldn't be a prohibition against going to the movies when the majority of adult relationships is spent sitting in silence, anyways.

Now you can't ever admit that you want to "just get a drink" or go on a normal date because it's dangerously close to being basic -- and not in an ironic way. Basic people can't, in contemporary romantic urban millennial discourse, be loved.

Of course I've gone on these dates. And in my dirty past, I've even planned a few. I'm slowly learning how to forgive myself, and I think you can too.

There's a whole world out there beyond ice skating and petting zoos and Coney Island. A paradise with affordable drinks and locations near our houses, where the bathrooms are clean and the available chairs stretch as far as the eye can see.

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